Baeumler plans to run as federal MP to counter O’Leary-Holmes mania

Canadian Contractor has learned that popular TV handyman-cum-oppressed-husband Bryan Baeumler has decided to run for Parliament in the next Federal election.  The announcement to run for the Conservative party in the riding of  Cape Breton-Canso was not a total surprise, given that rival TV handyman Mike Holmes is also planning to run for office.

The Mike Holmes bobble-head was recalled due to under-sized biceps

Holmes’ announcement, of course, follows news of declining ratings for his TV shows resulting from his tiresome on-camera complaining coupled with a loss of credibility after admitting on his own blogspot  that he had “at the age of six…. helped to rewire the second floor of his family’s home”, and “at the age of 12….finished his uncle’s basement completing the electrical work, plumbing, bar and stairs.” It is understood that Holmes did not hold any of the appropriate trade licences at the time. Unfortunately, Holmes had to cancel his interview with Canadian Contractor when the air pump used during photo ops to inflate his biceps failed, forcing him to seek medical attention.

Canadian Contractor was not able to speak directly to Baeumler about his election bid either. However, we were able to interview a Baeumler bobble-head found loitering by the breath mints at a Lowe’s check-out counter near Barrie, Ontario.

With other celebrities like Kevin O’Leary running for the PC leadership, and Mike Holmes wanting to ‘Do it right’ in Ottawa, what can you offer Canadians that these two can’t?
I’m always up for a fight when there’s little chance of competition. But in fact, I have several qualities that put me on par with, even ahead of, most other candidates. My smiling face alone gives people a feeling of senseless optimism and renewal. And of course, I’m incredibly cute and cuddly-looking.

What about experience?
I have had several reality TV shows, shows that speak to the regular folks of this country.  I have also made a lot of money, which gives me a confident swagger of superiority. And I’m incredibly cute and cuddly-looking.

You’ve mentioned ‘cute and cuddly’ twice now. Why is that important?
Today’s political landscape is filled with angry words and accusations. Quite frankly, that’s where I feel Mike Holmes falls short; he’s an angry man as everyone knows. And don’t get me started on O’Leary! Where Mike and Kevin are rough around the edges, I ooze sincerity, honesty and caring from every conceivable part of my body. Right now, the country really could use a bald political figurehead, particularly one with a mindless grin who will put this restless nation at peace, someone they want to embrace. You’ve seen how homeowners want to give me a hug after I renovate their bathrooms and rec rooms, haven’t you?

You realize that statistically bald men have not done that well in political office, except maybe Churchill.
One of my heroes! But I also believe Canadians can overcome their fear of baldness, just as I have. My happy, round, and may I say again, cute face and doleful expressions are what really matter.

Classic contrived moments on HGTV; Sarah gives Bryan the evil eye and he looks cute, cuddly and apologetic

Do you have any policies in particular that might appeal to Canadians?
I say to my constituents, “Leave it to Bryan”. Canadians want representatives in Ottawa they can trust and love. Did I mention how cute I am, especially when Sarah disagrees with me? This has given me the confidence to handle all the tough questions and issues that might come up in the House of Bryan, I mean Commons.

 Yeah….I was going to ask about your wife Sarah….
That’s pronounced,“Saaarah’, long first syllable. She can hold her own against Melania Trump any day and simply leaves Sophie Trudeau in the dust. Sarah has an even more of a princess complex than Sophie, which is saying a lot, plus the long legs of Melania. She’s a former dance teacher, you know. And when she crinkles her nose during one of our staged-for-TV spats, like over tiles versus hardwood, there’s nothing like it on the screen anywhere. All Sophie can do is that signature move of throwing her hand over her heart. So passé.

Bryan out on the town, not with his wife Sarah

Sounds like you have party leadership ambitions in your cross hairs.
Talking about cross hairs, isn’t it adorable when Sarah gets cross with me on camera and I roll my eyes? It’s the best thing on TV! I’m sure that’s why I won a Gemini Award! But to your question; just like our current Prime Minister and the U.S. President, I have a family charitable foundation named after me, the Baeumler Family Foundation. You can look it up. So I already have all the basics to be a national leader: TV show, money, a hot wife, and a charity.

You were interviewed on The Beaverton, Canada’s most trusted source for fake news, and had some novel solutions to cap house prices in Canada’s major cities. Wish to elaborate?
Not really, but let me just say that my solution involves hand guns, the police, and plenty of crime scene tape.

Your business background is a bit suspect, given that lately you simply appear to be building one big house for yourself after another.
And all that stuff is given to me for free! I love this country. However, I think more Canadians need to have the chance to get free stuff too. I’ll be working on that. After all, this is the Land of the Free!

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