HGTV cancels all Bauemler TV productions
“They simply ran out of funny faces to pull at each other.”
April 1, 2018 by John Bleasby
April 1st passed by this weekend, but not without Canadian Contractor having a bit of fun. Did you catch this one? Did it fool you for a while?
In a move sure to rock the TV renovation show marketplace, HGTV announced over the weekend that the network has halted immediately all production of fixer-upper shows featuring Sarah and Brian Baeumler. In an exclusive off-the-record conversation, Canadian Contractor has learned that directors and writers had become increasingly frustrated with the couples’ inability to enlarge their repertoire of goofy, silly, sarcastic, eye-rolling faces. “It was tiresome, really tiresome,” said our anonymous source, Kaitlin Patterson. “We would spend hours in the studio with Sara and Bryn, trying to come up with some new expressions, something that the viewers of their shows, all 150 of them, hadn’t seen before. It was a nightmare!”
Screaming fit in the studio
Matters came to head apparently three weeks ago when Zara Baumler stuck her finger up her nose as a symbol of exasperation with something that hubby Briane had done on one of their faux job sites. Sari could not be convinced that this type of hand movement would be offensive to some viewers. “So what?” Sarhuh is said to have screamed. “I find them pretty offensive too. I mean, look at those cruddy little hovels they live in! And they expect us to come and pretend to fix up their pathetic lives?”
The 116 loyal regular viewers of the Bahmler shows will not be totally disappointed however. HGTV has suggested that since the network owns the rights to all previously taped shows, they would go back to the editing room. Network staff would then reconfigure older shows to look like the Bummlers were working on entirely new projects, when in fact it would be simply a re-hash of previous episodes. “No one’s going to care,” said Patterson. “And neither will we, quite frankly. We have over 60 other reno shows in our stable that actually draw more than 200 viewer each. We’re in great shape.”
The couple may move on, but not together
What the future holds for the Boomlers is uncertain. Zarah has spoken openly about an entirely new series of shows without husband Bruno, called “Search for the Lost Kardashians”. This is Saruh’s own idea, based on her belief that she is distantly related to a tribe of overly self-indulgent people who populate a small corner of California’s west coast. She hopes, with the help of Ancestry.ca, to trace back her roots back over three generations, maybe more, hopefully ending with her finding some lost ancestors. (Spoiler Alert: she doesn’t)
Byron’s future is less clear. His career as a public personality had already suffered a setback when thousands of Bryann Bimmler bobbleheads were deemed a health hazard and recalled upon discovery that young children were biting off the heads. On a brighter note, there is talk of Bryun making a guest appearance on CBC’s Murdoch Mysteries as a jail break artist, a sure sign of an acting career in its death throws. However this has not been confirmed.
New TV reno show concepts to look forward to!
What show could possibly replace the Balmsters? Sources tell Canadian Contractor that a new approach to TV renovation shows is in the works, a concept that combines good nutrition with hammering nails. Canadian actor Allen Lulu, best known as the round-faced, cheery A&W pitchman, was in discussions last week with HGTV management. Rumour has it that Lulu may front a series that would have the fat, short, bald but openly friendly Lulu operating a nail gun while occasionally pausing to enjoy a 100 per cent all-beef patty and other fast foods that are part of a healthy Canadian diet. We await further word.
In the meantime, Canadian Contractor wishes all our readers a very happy April First!
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